Talk No More

I don't know if I can bring myself to share any more about my mom's journey through Alzheimer's. It's come to a point now where my stomach twists up tight, my eyes brim with tears and I feel ill whenever I stop to think about how she is suffering now. I visited my parents briefly this week; took my dad some ribs and a cinnamon roll. I met his new helper,Ida. She's great. Mom was sitting in her wheelchair at the kitchen table. We held hands for awhile, and I rubbed her shoulders. My dad asks me to buy her another dime store bracelet because the old one is no longer shiny.
Mom still has brief moments of sweetness and charm. When she smiles or gives a kiss. Dad says she's having the seizures more often now. The last time it happened she was sitting on the commode. He said when it occures, he just rubs her head and says prayers out loud. Its really awful times right now. So much worse than I tought it would be. I'm trying to be positive; to keep a normal disposition, but its hard. My time is spent mostly at work or alseep. I try to attend workout classes, to keep the stress at bay. But, nothing really gives relief. I think about selling my house,grabbing my backpack and just taking off. But,then I think, what if she dies? Then how will I feel? I'm really confused about what to do or how to live my life right now. Should I make plans? Could I run away, travel, dodge everything? Would I have regrets? I might have them if I stay.
I think I'm going to end this blog. Because I can't think of anything more to tell you about this disease and the tricks we found to help us adapt. I think Alzheimer's is the victor. There is nothing more to say.
My only advice now is to pray. Pray all the time. Honor her journey. Help her find her creator, the white light, the sweet smell of home.
I'll be writing about her on a new blog, "Patricia Gottsch". That's where I will tell the beautiful stories of how great she was. My mom, the Saint, Mrs. Patricia Gottsch. My dad's only love. Our family's mother and queen. See her story at http://patriciagottsch.blogspot.com/ - This is how I want her to be remembered.