Talk No More

I don't know if I can bring myself to share any more about my mom's journey through Alzheimer's. It's come to a point now where my stomach twists up tight, my eyes brim with tears and I feel ill whenever I stop to think about how she is suffering now. I visited my parents briefly this week; took my dad some ribs and a cinnamon roll. I met his new helper,Ida. She's great. Mom was sitting in her wheelchair at the kitchen table. We held hands for awhile, and I rubbed her shoulders. My dad asks me to buy her another dime store bracelet because the old one is no longer shiny.
Mom still has brief moments of sweetness and charm. When she smiles or gives a kiss. Dad says she's having the seizures more often now. The last time it happened she was sitting on the commode. He said when it occures, he just rubs her head and says prayers out loud. Its really awful times right now. So much worse than I tought it would be. I'm trying to be positive; to keep a normal disposition, but its hard. My time is spent mostly at work or alseep. I try to attend workout classes, to keep the stress at bay. But, nothing really gives relief. I think about selling my house,grabbing my backpack and just taking off. But,then I think, what if she dies? Then how will I feel? I'm really confused about what to do or how to live my life right now. Should I make plans? Could I run away, travel, dodge everything? Would I have regrets? I might have them if I stay.
I think I'm going to end this blog. Because I can't think of anything more to tell you about this disease and the tricks we found to help us adapt. I think Alzheimer's is the victor. There is nothing more to say.
My only advice now is to pray. Pray all the time. Honor her journey. Help her find her creator, the white light, the sweet smell of home.
I'll be writing about her on a new blog, "Patricia Gottsch". That's where I will tell the beautiful stories of how great she was. My mom, the Saint, Mrs. Patricia Gottsch. My dad's only love. Our family's mother and queen. See her story at http://patriciagottsch.blogspot.com/ - This is how I want her to be remembered.

Still Showing Up

I went back to see my mom and dad.
We said the rosary around her bed in the evening.
My brother and his wife and their 5 boys came to the house to say the rosary with us.
Cindy, my sister in law gave us some instruction, told us to find a candle and brought a bag of rosaries to pass out amongst us. My three nephews, Kyle, Cody and Travis knelt by the bed with us and each said a decad of the rosary.
I think it brought us all a little peace.
My mom said some of the prayers along with us.
Other times she was talking to herself, or looking into the distance and pointing or talking to people she thinks she sees. It was fine.
I can visit my mom now, as long as my dad is there with me. I don't want him to leave me alone with her because I am afraid she will have another seizure.
He said she's still having them, but he's getting used to it.
How horrible to go through that alone.
There seems to be little or no relief for him or my mother.
All we can really do now is pray.

Going Back Again

After being so frightened from the exorcist-like seizures, I've decided I must go back.
I had a small bout of shingles, slept a lot, talked to friends and prayed with my spiritual friends. The outcome of this is - I must go back to my parents house.
Of course I do. They are my parents, and I can't just leave them to fight this disease alone.
My Catholic friends told me the devil is trying to scare me away. So, when they put it like that, I'm not going to let him take over my family. But I am scared. I don't feel comfortable seeing what is happening with her now - with these strange seizures, and grunts.
They really frighten me.
My sister inlaw called last night and told me just to call out "Jesus, Jesus" when the seizure occurs, or to start saying the Hail Mary prayer until the seizure passes. This was excellent advice, because I've been feeling so helpless. Though I think praying gives me the tools to overcome the moment, and not feel so helpless or alone.
It was a great piece of advice. Like, when you call 911 in an emergency, but, maybe you should call for Jesus first.

Practicing Abundance

Try saying, “I have the privilege of”. . . . before everything you say that seems hard.

Like, “I have the privilege of doing 5 loads of laundry today”.
Or, “I have the privilege of having a major migraine today – but I can feel and so I know I’m alive”.
Or, “I have the privilege of being stuck in traffic today, in a car, with music, and I am alive and in the world”.
Or, “I have the privilege of working with difficult people today – whom, by their actions – show me how I am different”.
Or, “I have the privilege of this job where I work for $12 per hour.”
Or, “I have the privilege of experiencing new challenges at my job today”, because this is shaping and changing me.

Or, “I have the privilege of caring for my parents who are still alive and with me here on earth”.